Monday, February 23, 2009

Mondays, Unemployment, Christina Aguilera and other stuff that sucks.

I'm on a bit of a roll today folks, and that's because I am currently without any client work, which makes me cranky and nervous, instantly resorting to eating poor people food. I made a tuna melt for lunch and inexplicably added beets to it. This is what happens when I try to assimilate. What was I trying to prove by engaging in this totally weird Australian custom of adding beets to everything?

I realized I had bought Coles brand tuna and Coles brand beets in an attempt to save 60 fucking cents and in the process I ruined what is arguably the greatest and most underrated American sandwich by adding purple.

And while I'm on the subject of Coles, why is it that they can get away with getting Christina Aguilera in my head? I've now been humming 'Genie in a Bottle' for the past two hours. I listened to a new Wu-Tang track and that Linda Perry-written bullshit still won out. I would like to call in my one wish to the Wu-Tang genies to meet up with Christina Aguilera in a dark alley to wipe that skank's face off her head.

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BRB, I'm gonna go frown at some tourists.

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Okay. It's T-minus 16 weeks until Dangerous Girl and Husband go back to the States for a long sejourn and I am freaking out about the Global Economic Crisis. It would be fine if I like, knew how to grow some vegetables and was living in a place with grass or some shit, but we're moving back to New York City, which was hard enough when employment was relatively easy to come by.

I do this though; I sort of manifest little dramas like this because I think it makes life interesting. And Husband is so easy-going that he doesn't seem to mind it. That laid-back confidence truly is the Aussie way (as opposed to the neurotic, over-researched confidence that only an insomniac with ulcers can seem to maintain.) For example, it wasn't enough drama for me to decide, 6 weeks ahead of time, to move to Australia instead of staying in New York. Nope, had to quit my job, move out of my apartment, sell my possessions and throw in a wedding in there, forcing my family to fly into NYC on very little notice, and the in-laws to fly in from everywhere else. What was the hurry? Dunno. But everything turned out fine.

Americans love a conflict.

Dear Readers,

I received the following email in my inbox today from a fellow American who lives in/blogs about Melbourne:

Dear Sister, My name is Nickolas James Gardner of Inglewood California USA and I am of the royal descent of Jasper Tudor and a total idiot that is a direct descendant of King Henry the VIII.
I run a solo institution that I call my life that is published under the guise of I challenge Husband and thee to a blog off. Accept or don’t accept, Nickolas Gardner

This was my reply:

Bring it.

What should the terms be? Here was my idea: Nick and I will each post once per day for one week, encouraging our readers somewhere in each post to mosey on over to the rival's site, and declaring a daily winner in the comments section. The loser has to [insert annoying American antic/public shame here]

Nick's idea is that we meet up, go on a pub crawl, and the next day, write about our antics on our respective sites.

I like the idea of American v. American in Australia. I imagine for our Aussie readers it'll be a bit like watching some kind of illegal dog fight, except between two dogs you think are obnoxious, so you don't really care about their welfare.