Thursday, April 24, 2008

Ute tell me.

The Ute is truly an Australian icon, as well as being the mullet of the car world: business at the front, party (or vehicle for livestock) at the back. I made this observation the other day while making a hook turn on my bicycle, and thinking "oh that sedan is about to tur---oh that's not a sedan, it's the ugliest car ever designed."

History tells us that the humble beginnings of the Ute were born from a rural Australian woman, who asked some dude who worked at Ford, "Why don’t you build people like us a vehicle to go to church in on a Sunday, and which can carry our pigs to market on Mondays?"

Why, indeed. Now, I'm not knocking the obvious benefits to having a Ute. They're very handy if you're moving and a friend happens to have one. Tradesmen use them for work. Some people probs still put their pigs in the back. That makes sense, if you have pigs you want to drive around. What does not make sense, however, is trying to make them glamorous, or even remotely attractive. They should not be painted yellow. Yellow is a ridiculous color for a car anyway, but on a Ute it's especially offensive because you can't help but have to look--not only at the ugliest car ever made, but at the invariably frightening owner of the vehicle.

I would venture to describe your average yellow Ute driver in more scathing detail, but I'm not exactly incognito here, and frankly I don't feel like getting my ass kicked by a local. I'll just post a picture up and then you can be in charge of being judgmental.


Yesterday, my friend Nev brought the Deniliquin Utemuster to my attention. It's some kind of Ute convention, not wholly unlike lots of events I'm sure Southerners call "tradition" and "heritage," which include essential props like cowboy hats, random sofas in parking lots, and women who pretend to be interested so they can get some fucking attention from their mens once in awhile.

This is all leading up to an inevitable post that will chart the similarities and differences between white trash and the Aussie bogan. Stay tuned.


Benedict Smith said...

"oh that's not a sedan, it's the ugliest car ever designed."
- thanks for making me laugh out loud in my very quiet cubicle at work.....that really did just make my morning far brighter and my hangover substantially more tolerable.

Feargulbum said...

"This is all leading up to an inevitable post that will chart the similarities and differences between white trash and the Aussie bogan."

Please soon soon.

sarahll said...

I'm still waiting for the trash/bogan post. Get on it hoebag!

lucy said...

You know, after that iron maiden video I sent you the other day, rock concerts are CLEARLY a valid area for a focused study on bogans and their wise ways!

Colleen said...

hahaha it is TOTALLY the mullet of the car world!
But I must confess...just yesterday or the day before here in Austin, TX I was admiring a vintage El Camino.

Natasha said...

Yes yes Bogans vs White Trash please. If you haven't done so already, you should bend Mel's ear about this one. She did her Masters thesis on bogans in the Australian media.

Whatever I know about White Trash (thanks tv!) is not enough.

Also, please note that a ute is not really Austrayan until it has a large dog and/or some muddied farm machinery in the back.

Miss Brisbane said...

I've just stumbled across your blog somehow and am absolutely loving your observations of us Aussies! Very funny shit. :)

I hope you don't mind me reading along. :)


yourmother said...

I haven't laughed this hard, and cried simultaneously, since I read about your bicycle collision last year. I'm not sure what a bogan is.....but have witnessed a lot of white trash happenings. Can't wait for the last word on that!

Anonymous said...

well i would have to disagree and say that the ute is a wonderfully practical, aesthetically pleasing and fun vehicle and that i would never drive anything other than a ute!!!

P.S. get stuffed

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