Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Live Blogging the U.S. Election

I'm sitting here at Jeremy's with Stuart and Rachel and we're all pretending to be really important, sitting in front of Jeremy's gigantor TV with our various Mac laptops. It's funny watching this in Australia, where Australian television has just succumbed to streaming the American Broadcasting Company, with Channel 9 anchors occasionally jumping in to go, "uh. Yeah, so...this is a...historic...uh...black person." Rachel predicts the Aussie broadcasters are going to talk about Barack Obama being "clean" and "articulate" at some point in the game today.

11:27: Channel 9 has made their "break to commercial" graphic the U.S. presidential seal with a Hendrix-style guitar riff of Pomp & Circumstance. Nice.

11:37: CNN's pundits have amazing skin. Anderson Cooper is a gay icon.

11:41: Every woman involved in this campaign, including Diane Sawyer, is wearing false eyelashes. I have no problem with this. Charlie Gibson is annoying me already. RIP Peter Jennings.

11:47: Channel 9's studio anchor is asking the US Correspondent, "how did those people behind you get in? Did they have to buy tickets?"

11:52: One of Channel 9's pundits is bright red and possibly still drunk from Cup Day.

12:01: Charlie Gibson is telling us which states he wants Obama to win: Delaware, DC, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Maryland, Connecticut and Massachusetts. Yessss. John McCain's got Kentucky, Oklahoma and Tennessee. "People project Florida too early to their own peril"

12:07: CNN dude loves his touch screen software. He's pointing to random counties and babbling about some kind of trend, "John McCain cannot afford to underperform George W Bush in these areas." What?

12:09: ABC dude is talking about going to a bowling alley in Altoona, PA for reasons unknown.

12:15: Sources tell us CNN has 3D holograms!

12:18: Obama is hott.

12:26: Australia's Channel 7 news anchor to their Phoenix correspondent: "are the Republicans looking morose yet?" Also, Sarah Palin voted in jeans and a Carharrt jacket made out of moose.

12:30: Wolf Blitzer in da house!

12:35: Channel 7's anchor says, "this is not just about who's going to be in the White House, it's also about bums on seats in congress."

12:39: Wolf is calling Pennsylvania for Obama. WOOT!

12:51: The Australians around me are scared of James Carville. Fair enough.

12:54: Four years ago I spent about 9 months volunteering with NARAL, registering women to vote through phone banks and later, by bussing myself and elderly Jewish women to Pennsylvania most Saturday mornings to do non-partisan door-knocking. I ended up campaigning in some capacity in 4 states, and while those all went blue, I spent Election Night crying in front of the television at my friend Brian's house, spliff in hand, after a very long and exhausting day in Pennsylvania.

It kills me a little that I wasn't able to be active in my community during this campaign. I certainly would have been more inspired by this election cycle, and I've got friends back home who say they were sad I couldn't have been there with them.

Anyway, I'm glad to be here. And this year I'll be smoking a celebratory spliff.

1:00: Michigan goes to Obama! REPRESENT!

1:02: Tom Brokaw's experienced timbre joins the fray. "It's all about the economy." No shit!

1:03: NBC's map is an ICE RINK upon which they're sticking red or blue vinyl state stickers. Lame.
[UPDATE: I am dum and didn't realize it's Rockefeller Center. That makes more sense.]

1:04: The Australian anchor wants to know: "If Obama loses, will there be riots in the States?" You wish, Shane.

1:14: Holy shit. Obama is leading in Ohio AND Florida. Although Fox News is saying McCain's only .4% behind in the popular vote. Aw HELL no!

1:20: Charlie Gibson is on the touch screen. I hate watching old people try to use computers.

1:27: OBAMA HAS JUST WON OHIO. NO REPUBLICAN IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD HAS WON THE PRESIDENCY WITHOUT IT.

1:31: Oprah says "it's a moment for all Americans." I'm waiting for her to say "you go girl" to Obama.

1:40: Some country hoo-ha moron is playing the gee-tar on stage in Phoenix, trying to temper the blow of those assholes losing Ohio.

1:44: In the background of Channel 9's coverage in Phoenix, it totally looks like they're packing up the stage. SBS is covering the election after 2pm, after "Cooking in the Danger Zone."

1:46: The Australians are reporting, "you blokes are gonna need a miracle mate." I think we should be drinking every time someone says "blow."

1:47: Who the fuck styled Channel 9's "Mike"? He's wearing a tie Jeremy describes as "novelty squirting tie"

1:53: This girl is totally reporting "statistics" that she read on Facebook and Twitter. Um. She's getting paid for this? Why isn't she reading DGIST?!

1:56: Australian correspondent says "I think this election will make a difference in America more than Australia."

1:59: Anderson Cooper says, "Joe the Plumber isn't the face of America, don't they get that?"

2:00: Mormons love McCain in Utah, ____* love Obama in Iowa.

*who lives in Iowa again?

2:02: Anderson Cooper wants to know if they can go home once Obama hits 270. His pundits are working out the math of what time they can split.

2:03: There is a collective "awwww!" in the room as I announce Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are on live now (and it's not syndicated on TV here.)

2:07: James Carville, while describing the monumental Democratic sweep, is basically saying "I'm not going to get laid for awhile, folks."

2:12: Aussie correspondent says, "I was talking to a black American at the airport, a black American who was cleaning shoes, and he says he is scared that Barack Obama won't win."

2:15: Australian "US Politics Analyst" is totally using the wrong terminology..."the Republican caucus needed to fix the economy."

2:17: IT'S OFFICIAL: Channel 9 declares Barack Obama the next president.

2:24: Jezebel blogger says "
SPENCER: Take a drink every time Dana Bash blinks and you will be FITSHACED." Dana Bash looks like the dad in Finding Nemo.

2:25: Harry Malkonian is the only American on Aussie TV and Carolyn says "is Michael Musto's dad."

2:29: Channel 9's interim guitar riff has switched to the Star Spangled Banner!

2:32: Anderson Cooper is trying to make some random point and his pundits basically just told him to shut up. "Let's resist the temptation to characterize the Republican party as old white men" FUCK OFF OLD WHITE MAN!

2:38: Al Franken may win a Minnesota senate seat?!

2:43: Just drank for first mention by Australian anchors for "first Jew." Who knows what he's talking about. Lieberman maybe?

2:58: VIRGINIA FOR OBAMA! Hasn't happened since LBJ in 1964.

3:00: CNN Breaking News: Barack Obama elected president!!!!!

6 comments:

Internev said...

I'm mashing refresh, give me more insights!

Internev said...

Also, you should be rocking this sucker: stream cnn live without ads

unbearable (berlin) said...

ahhh i've had 3 coke zeros and people keep calling the office. big screen tv is tantalisingly round the corner. geeze, stop calling: don't you know history is happening? pfft. keep it up, hi to the others! xxx alina xxx

Colleen said...

I would type all the jokes from Colbert & Stewart but I was too busy watching OLD GREG! but now I'll try harder. But I've also had some wine.

Colleen said...

~
U
S
A
~

Erin said...

"____* love Obama in Iowa.

*who lives in Iowa again?"

Who lives in Iowa? Cool people, that's who.

The joke answer you were probably reaching for is "farmers." The more accurate answer, according to my farming Iowa dad would be "bleeding-heart liberals" (including my mom).