Safety is the new Fascism

The thing about living in a Fascist State is that you get all these perks to keep you from remembering that you're living in a Fascist State. Okay so yeah, I live in the middle of Melbourne, Australia, for roughly half of what it cost me to live in my last apartment, in The Middle Of The Fucking Ghetto, Brooklyn, NYC, USA, Universe.

And yes, I get basic healthcare without even being a citizen, and get to crunch on these awesome painkillers that put Advil to shame. And when I step outside my swanky apartment building every morning, there is beautiful architecture and a kindly people:





I work as a designer at a job that doesn't exploit me, and the Fascist State makes my employers pay me decently and give me all these days off. And I never stay past 5:30pm.

ecs, wtf are you bitching about?

Safety town, that's what. And I'm here to set a few things straight.

Safety isn't cool. If you think safety is cool, then smoking doesn't look hot, the dudes from Easy Rider were pussies, and James Dean was a turd burglar.

For example: I recently started riding a fixed gear bike hipster-mobile to and from work every day. I have to wear a helmet. Husband makes me wear one, and if I don't, he threatens to sell my bike. You know why Husband makes me wear a helmet?

a: he has been conditioned from a life in Safety Town to be serious about it. (Fascist)

b: Because it's against the friggin' law not to. That's right, the Fascist State could take points off my driver's license if I don't, and at the very least, pull me over and fine me $50.

Now, I will say that I've grown to depend on wearing a goddamn helmet, even though I look like the mushroom dude from Mario Bros 3:




and that is because it is fucking dangerous to ride a bike through rush-hour traffic in Melbs. I have two theories about this, because I never felt in danger in NYC.

1. There aren't as many people in Melbourne, so cars think they're the only ones on the road.

2. They're driving on the wrong side of the road, so they're confused as to what to do or where to look. And they're Australian.

That will be my only concession to Safety Town. From here on out, I feel the need to prove to you, dear reader, how saturated this Australian culture is with signs, TV advertisements, billboards, and PSAs which all serve to prove that you don't know enough about yourself to look both ways before crossing the street. And henceforth you will pay 40% of your income in taxes to generate such gold as:





I don't read Australian so I can't figure out if they really don't like rollerbladers or if they just don't want gays around.




In case you didn't get that, please walk carefully. People are walking. Everywhere. All the time. Also, there are bikes.



Also, there are trams.



Also, there are cars.



And just like, be careful in the Safety Zone, yeah?