Saturday, September 22, 2007

Dead Man Jaywalking

I haven't figured out yet why I haven't been hit by a car. In New York, pedestrians not only jaywalk, they hover around the edges of the streets even as oncoming lunatic cabbies threaten to slice the points off their shoes. People are like cockroaches, staying just far enough away, ever-encroaching, still daring to step ten feet off the curb in that crazed rush to get to the next place. If you've ever tried driving in Manhattan, you've seen this. A friend of mine was in the back of a cab once when a particularly brave little old lady stepped out into the street. The cab driver slammed on his brakes, stuck his head out the window and screamed, "you don't look like a fucking stop sign to me!" and proceeded to floor it through the intersection. In true NYC form, the old bag wasn't even phased by it.

In Melbourne, when you're waiting to cross the street, you stay on the sidewalk. Every time I step off the curb, looking up the street, watching for where I can dodge through like human Frogger, husband pulls me back and gives me that bitch is crazy look.

And apparently the authorities of Safety Town agree with him, because they've now instituted jaywalking blitzes across Australia. Blitz?! Like the fucking blitzkrieg?! So ... this is like, the fucking WWII of all Australian sting operations? Does this mean Australian cops are the Nazis and jaywalkers are the Jews?

Okay. It's on. I'm getting Russian on this sitch. (Husband is remaining contently Swiss) I hereby refuse to cross at crosswalks. Nein! I will stagger through the flow of traffic, leap toward moving trams, (Husband/Switzerland: you heard about the old lady who got chopped in half by a tram, didn't you?) and flip off that flashing dickless red man on the crosswalk sign.

Then, when the Nazis try to come for me, or my comrade (pictured), I'll bat my eyelashes, ham up my American accent, and pretend to be an ignorant tourist. Like I do when I'm getting out of tram fines. Shit costs money!

But once that's over I'll totally go to the bar and exaggerate my heroicism. It's the principle.


EternalVirgin said...

I've never actually seen someone get out of something by pretending to be an ignorant American. Usually the Americans are so ignorant in the first place that they're unaware that they're being taken advantage of.

ecs said...

Well you're welcome to come along next time I do it. But if you're not hot, and it sounds like you aren't, it probs won't work.

Anonymous said...

I have witnessed these mind powers/faux ignorance in action, It was powerful... Next time you should be French.

Colleen said...

no wonder that commenter's an eternal virg. everybody knows america rules.
anyway, love the cockroach analogy! (I said "anal")
also the frogger one.
also, in copenhagen, no one crosses against the signal ('cept me), even when there are no cars around at all.

Your Mother said...

Now that you HAVE been struck by a motorist while bicycling in Melbourne, you might consider updating this posting.